Testing Our Communication

Posted in Friends on May 10, 2008 by delladrago

So it hasn’t been as long this time as the last time, but still a stint longer then I would have preferred.

I have been fairly busy recently, finals are coming up around the corner and I did my thing yet again.  My thing being a habitual pattern where I complete homework and study on time for the first month and a half of the semester, then I say, “Hell, I’m smart enough” and go off gaming and hanging out with friends until finals come around and then I’m like… oh shit.

I have a 8-10 page paper to complete in Archaeology in nine days that I’ve barely touched, as well as two finals to study for.  I’m being a little silly right now by still getting wrapped up in my on-line MMO’s and going out with friends on the weekends, which is prime studying time as I don’t have work and school tying up the schedule.  Sometimes I want to kick myself repeatedly for being such an idjit.

So that last entry was resolved, I figured it all out.  Ranting about it on the void of the Internet was helpful.  I talked to the boyfriend about it and he said that he could not honestly say he understood, but that he was sympathetic.  Unlike a lot of other women that I can think of that say they want an honest relationship but really only want their boyfriends to say what they want them to say–I actually do appreciate honesty, even if it’s something I don’t like to hear at the time.

Other then that little snag, that bad day, the “experiment” went quite well.  We’ve both come to accepting that eventually we’re going to move in together, because it seems to be something both of us really want.  We really like each other and though we know we’ll drive each other a little crazy sometimes, we think that we can make this work. 

We went to see a play last night, “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”.  I did not realize it had been a movie as well until I told Uncle D. and the mama about it, and they have both seen the film.  I really enjoyed the play, and going to theater events with the boyfriend has been very cool.  I’ve never been on actual dates with other boyfriends, mainly we’ve hung out around the house and just had sex or played video games or something to that effect.  This boyfriend and I still do things like that, but we both feel the need to get out there and do something from time to time.

Here’s an interesting thing that has been happening to me recently… a two inch by one inch patch on my right wrist has gone completely numb.  It’s right where the wrist connects to the hand, and I think it’s from being on the computer for such long periods of time without a wrist support for the mouse, though I have a support for the keyboard.  I don’t use the keyboard as much as the mouse, however, when it comes to MMO’s.

Another thing that I meant to come on here and rant about the other day was the behavior of, pretty much, my only friend–Jay.  Jay has been bitching to me for the last four months about two of his friends, Allison and Roger.  Apparently Jay had a thing for Allison and she told him that she was not ready for a relationship at the moment, and then a month later was dating Roger.  Allison then told Jay that she did not think they would have worked out because he was too much like her last boyfriend, and that it was OK, she and Roger had gotten together mostly for sex anyway.

Now, I’ll say one thing about Jay, and that is that he is a busy-body, he likes to be in everbody’s business and to get the reason, no matter how much it will hurt him or his other friends.  He used to be in the military before he was honorably discharged for multiple medical reasons (none of them psychological I assure you).  He likes everything in a neat little order, he likes to have his rules and everything in his life to stick to those rules.  In twenty three years he has not yet realized that human beings cannot generally be fit into these rules, that we are thinking, feeling, impulsive, passionate things that generally find rules disgusting at the least, or at least something to be avoided.

In short, he thinks that the relationship between Allison and Roger needs to be structured, needs to have rules, like everything else.  He has been trying, for four months, to hold both of them accountable for rules that only he sees and wants.  Both of them have become increasingly more agitated with him and because everyone is kind of miserable no one is enjoying each others company.

Well, I went with Jay last Sunday to a LARP that he has been playing for about four years, along with many of his friends.  It really is a nice social event… in which you get to dress up and beat people up with padded sticks and swords.  If anyone is into the Ren Fest, a LARP is about just as fun, with fantasy heavily intermingled and it happens almost every weekend, which is a plus.  The one that Jay and I went to is free for NPC’s, but if you play a PC you have to pay a fee for day or weekend events.  The one that we went to was a day event.

Anyway, there I met his friends for the third time in about two years of knowing Jay.  I was very relaxed and happy, shooting the shit with them and everything, and I realized that none of them were as hung up on the Roger-Allison thing as Jay was.  I guess that I had always figured that his other friends were just as hung up on the issue as he was, but when I realized that they too thought that Jay was being an overbearing asshole, I kind of snapped.

Jay threw a fit near the end of the event.  He’s recovering from pneumonia and everyone was trying to make sure that he took it easy, but when he was told again to go sit down (he was having a coughing fit), he threw a temper tantrum and ended up making himself feel worse then before.  When he finally sat down, after much persuading, I went to him and started asking what the hell was wrong.  When he started spouting off the same bullshit about Allison and Robert as he has for the last three months, I got a little fed up and decided to call over Allison and make the two talk instead of both of them hearing third-party information that was making a simple situation overly dramatic.

Allison opened up, according to Jay, in a way that she had not since getting together with Jay.  She said that she was very comfortable having a third party there, especially a female, and that she was angry with Jay for making assumptions, for trying to push her and Roger into HIS ideal kind of a relationship, and generally for being a bastard.  She was quite passionate, and he was being a bit of a coward by saying he was already worked up and emotional so he was not responsible for what he said… which is bullshit.

So, yeah, I said that Jay was a busy body, did I mention that I am also?  I like to help where I see that there is the opportunity for it, that there may be something fixable.  Most of all I was annoyed with Jay because, to me, this was an easy and fixable situation that needn’t have been so dramatic.  He’s a little on the immature side but, as he is still my friend, I’m trying to help him through a lot of this stuff.

Oi, and that’s all for now.  Thanks for being there, Oh Internet Void.

-Della Drago-

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The Only Time I Feel Alive

Posted in Depression on April 30, 2008 by delladrago

Well, you can tell that I’m very bad at updating these things on time.  I really need to get back into the habit of writing things. 

I’ve been in an extremely odd mood recently, as in the recent month and a half.  Adjusting to having an ACTUAL boyfriend (not just a friendly fuck) along with school, work and trying to edit the current manuscript was causing me a great deal of internal angst.  I’ve gotten around to figuring out the work/study/school/boyfriend/editing/exercising/free time into a more streamlined schedule.  I’m beginning to feel more like myself all over again.

So this week, starting Sunday the 27th, the boyfriend has been staying over here at my place.  We’re doing an experiment.  As he would say–“Put on your lab coats, there’s bits of science flying around”.  He’s staying here until this Friday (the 2nd) to see how we interact and react to each others presence near-constantly. 

That being said, it is not even close to being constant.  I have work, he has work, I have school, he has school.  We both have a social life and hobbies that do not involve each other (and some hobbies and outings that DO), so we do not see each other all the time.  Still, it is an interesting thing to be sleeping next to someone every night.

This morning I was having a little bit of a hard time though.  It is my general prerogative to wake up and take care of business, if you catch my drift.  Well, with another man-person around, taking care of business has been fairly hard to do.  This usually puts me into a pretty bad mood, even if I’m having semi-regular sexual gratification through the man-person in question.  There is something comforting and enjoying that I only get out of taking care of business on my own. 

So this morning I was very much wrapped up in the idea of the business, and I decided to try and pounce the man-person before he had to go to school and I had to go to work.  He was just in the mood to play however, so we wrestled for about half an hour, in which I was poked (VERY HARD) in the eye… with his fingers (it was an accident). 

I don’t know.  My immediate reaction to being hurt in any physical way is very deep emotional pain, mostly because of the horrible way that my mother treated me when I was a kid.  I know that he did not mean it, and that it was an accident, and that I should realize if I’m wrestling the boy-person then this is a risk I’m taking… getting accidentally hurt, that is.  Still I had this immediate reaction of wanting to hit him back, just as hard or harder, and when I suppressed that, all I wanted to do was cry, and I wanted him to go away.  It was about ten minutes before he did, and as soon as he was half way down the stairs I started to cry, and let it go pretty well when I heard the door lock.

My counselor and I are going through the whole, “Why are you so afraid to cry in front of other people?” psycho-bullshit.  I want to explain to her that every time I show vulnerability in front of people, it has been proven to me time and time again that those people look at me differently from then on.  They see me as some fragile fucking doll that needs protection. 

I want an actual relationship with the boyfriend.  I don’t want him feeling like he has to be careful not to break me or tip me off, but at the same time I do tip off really easily, and I’m extremely sensitive to the most idiotic things–like getting accidentally poked in the eye and denied my morning business

I took care of the business a few minutes ago, which is why I’m finally in the proper frame of mind.  I wish I could talk to my counselor about these problems when they are actually arising, instead of on a day that I’m generally in a good mood (payday).  It seems like I always forget to tell her the most important things.

When I got hurt there was a voice inside of me saying, “You think you can handle another round of change?  Do you really think that you are worthy or even ready to take on living with someone you barely know?  You really think you love him?  Give me a fucking break!”  Another part was crying inside, another part was just saying, “Calm down, calm down, you’re okay, just calm down until he leaves.” 

My counselor told me this last time I was there that she and another counselor were reviewing my tapes and they think that I have multiple-personality schizophrenia.  She says that because I was faced with so much trauma when I was young, parts of my personality and my mind split so that I could properly handle the pain without fully shutting down.  She says that it would take a lot of effort to make me whole again, and that there was little chance of success seeing as I’ve incorporated this into my everyday life in a way neither she or her collegue have ever seen.

I have to say that there is some glamour in saying these things, almost like I should be a subject of one of those touchy-feely films or a best-selling book or something.  It’s almost unbelievable that I could be those things if I had not already accepted it in a way. 

I’ve admitted to myself that my form of working things through and just going through life is different then other people describe their own journeys.  I have several representations of myself, and though I’ve never counted them, I know that there are a few.  I know that when I’m trying to decide something it is almost like holding a counsel, even when I’m just deciding on something as simple as groceries.  I know that there are some voices, or personalities or whatever, that go away for a long time and then come back unannounced, usually when they’re needed.  I know that the person that I am with my mother is different then the person I am with my boyfriend, which is different then the person I am with my father, which is different then the person I am with my uncle.

My counselor said it’s like being an actress, that I can take on many different personalities, traits, emotions without actually feeling them.  That it is not me that is feeling them, it is this other part of me, which explains why I’ve had this constant, almost complete feeling of detachment from the world and the people around me, even the people I love and care about.

But I always ask myself this question:  “Are you okay with who you are?  Would you change?  How would you change?  What would it affect?  Would it really be any better?”

I think for the purposes I’ve given myself in life, to be an artist and a writer, to be a musician, a student, and a professional woman, that this “disorder” is actually pretty handy.  I don’t want to change. 

But I also realize that there are limitations, like the incident this morning.  Despite knowing we were only playing around, a part of me wanted to reject the boyfriend for hurting me, a part that is still screaming now for his dismissal.

I don’t know how to talk about this with him, I don’t know if he’ll just turn tail and fucking run.  I can explain it exactly as I just have and he’ll probably tell me I need help.  I admit that I’m afraid of him rejecting me, of leaving me like so many countless people have.

If life has shown me anything, it is that you cannot trust anyone but yourself.  Everyone leaves you.

So can I live with him?  Maybe.  I know that I’m going to have to talk to him about the hard stuff and give him real-life demonstration and see how he reacts, or it will be like a cloudy shadow over our relationship that only I can see.  I don’t want to keep things from him, but at the same time I feel like he’s not ready to accept what, who, I really am.  He’s had a very normal life, and I’ve had a very abnormal life.  A lot of the time–I’d say 98% of the time–despite saying “I want something different!” people with a normal life want to continue that normal life.

So is this boyfriend, this man-person, part of the 2%? 

I guess I’m scared.  Another part of me is resolute.  I want to just get it over with and say, “Yeah, welcome to ME, all of me, love it or leave it.”  If he leaves it then, well, I’m just back where I started, and where I started from wasn’t all that bad.  Not bad at all.

I’m still scared.

-Della Drago-

Guilty by Association

Posted in Barrack Obama, Christianity, Democrats, Politics, Presidental Election, Reverend Wright on March 17, 2008 by delladrago

I need to take a moment to talk about the recent issues with Barrack Obama’s association with his pastor, Reverend Wright. 

First, before discussing that issue, I want to explain why I am a supporter of Barrack Obama, and why I voted for him in the primaries and why, all willing, I will vote for him in the presidential election. 

I am young, I am under the age of 23 and will be there for a while.  I am not well versed in politics, but I do know what I stand for as a young American.  As someone who often listens to public radio stations, watches the news, reads the newspapers and engages in debates with peers and elders on the subjects discuss over those mediums.  I like to think of myself as an average or slightly above-average intelligence, especially when compared to others of my age. 

I know that Obama is the only one of the front-running presidential candidates that has properly discussed something very important to me; the countries energy policy.  I personally believe that the future is in nuclear power, because it is cleaner, safer, cheaper and all around better for the environment then the methods currently in use.  Neither Clinton or McCain have addressed the issue of our energy crisis. 

Obama voted against the war in Iraq initially, which is very important to me, but after we went to war he voted in favor of any bill that came his way to support the troops.  We put them out there, and we have to support them, even if we initially disagree with the idea behind it.  Obama seemed to understand that.  I would have a considerably less amount of respect for him if he had voted against the war, and then voted against sending further aide to the troops out of vindictiveness.

Obama believes that we need to get past the issue of race, which as an aspiring Anthropologist I greatly admire.  For one, I know that humans are simply that–humans.  We are no different to one another, there is no such thing as ‘race’, only cultural differences that vary according to regions. 

Yes, Obama is rather inexperienced as far as political candidates go, but he is young, he is fresh, he is full of ideas that could perhaps change and shape this country to further compliment its great past.  I want the best for my country, and I feel that he will help that.  I feel that even though I admire McCain for his war history, for being in that POW camp as long as he was, I believe he is too old, and that he has a set of priorities that do not compliment my own.  I must also admit that I am tired, emotionally (and only that), of seeing an older white man running this country.  On the issue of Hilary, I believe that she will make a lot of promises that she cannot or will not keep when/if she is sworn in as president.  I also have personal trust issues with women, and she does not inspire confidence within me.  I think a lot of her supporters are trying to guilt-trip a lot of us into voting for her, or fear being labeled as a sexist. 

 I got behind Obama what feels like a long time ago, sometime in the fall when I picked up a free newspaper next to the bus stop and was rifling through it.  I read some articles about the usual things, crime in the city and an article for dog owners.  Then I flipped to nearly the middle and there was a photograph of a man I had never seen before; a senator Barrack Obama, striding confidently down a sidewalk in D.C.  I, like many Americans, am attracted to pictures, and so read the attached article out of curiosity (having followed this pattern throughout the rest of the newspaper).  The title of the article said, “Sen. Obama Announces He Will Run for Presidency”.  It was a very simply opening, explaining who he was, and his recent intentions to run as a democratic candidate in the upcoming election. 

As I read on, I came upon a few of Obama’s personal messages.  He was quoted in this article of considering the politics of America to have been run recently like a ‘Three Ring Circus’.  It was all smoke and mirrors to the people of America, where the politicians secretly understood all the tricks.  He said that the policies needed change, needed change desperately, and that he felt he could bring on that change.  He said that he wanted to completely revise the health care system (something I’m huge on, having no health care), the energy policy and foreign agreements. 

For a few months people were talking about Hilary and I was talking about Obama.  Eventually the press caught up with him, and more people were able to speak with me about why we liked him as we did.  Some of my peers like him simply because he is young, and he is African-American, and that seems like a good thing to have right now.  They get behind it, say things like “Peace, Love and Obama.” 

Anyway….

This new happening with Reverend Wright.  I am afraid of it so negatively affecting B. Obama that he will not be nominated for the Democratic party.  

Reverend Wright seems to be a monumental prick.  A part of my mind is wondering if someone tried to pay him off to say those things in order to ruin Barack Obama’s reputation (but that’s only my conspiracy theories talking).  A larger, whole part of me is shaking my head, wondering, “Why the hell is everyone making such a fuss?”

I can think of several comparisons within my own life where I have cringed to find the true nature of the people that I interact with.  I knew a friend of mine for eight years before realizing, quite suddenly, that he was a complete racist.  He believed that Hispanics, especially, were the demise of all Western civilization and that they should just be shot on sight.  His words, not mine.

 I was so horrified, I stopped talking to him for a long time.  Eventually we got to talking again and I explained to him that conversations such as the one we had had about Hispanics were liable to put me into a frenzy, because I believed that he was being a plain idiot.  We managed to come to a gentleman’s agreement, and managed to continue our friendship. 

I also know that a great deal of my favorite teachers have had unfavorable personal lives.  One of them belonged to a skin head movement in KS.  Another was found to be a child molester. 

Saying that Obama supports or believes in the audacity that spilled out of Reverend Wright’s mouth is like saying I am a pedophile or a Nazi for having admired teachers that only taught me their specialized subjects.  Obama went to Reverend Wright for spiritual guidance, not for political council.  Not only that, but Obama is in NO WAY responsible for the thoughts, actions or words of another human being with the power of free speech and thought.

Obama has never once, in all of his campaign across our great country, said or done anything that would ring close to what Reverend Wright spouted the other day.  He obviously believes that this is a wonderful country, and is proving it by standing fast in the face of diversity in the light of these events.  He wants to be all that he can be to serve his country. 

The Reverend Wright has shown himself to be a citizen of the United States of America.  A citizen that can burn a flag, march in protest, blame the United States for attacks against itself, and persuade a crowd of people to the same tune.  I am not defending him, not at all.  I do not agree with, in fact I abhor, the things that he said.  How are we, as human beings as well as Americans, going to get past the hatred and segregation of so many decades ago with attitudes such as R. Wright’s influencing so many hundreds or thousands of individuals? 

I’m going to say this plainly:

Obama is innocent of believing in those ideas that R. Wright was preaching.  He did not go to R. Wright for political counseling, he went to him for spiritual reasons.  Barrack Obama is, quite simply, only guilty by association. 

If people you knew were committing horrible crimes, or living a life that you disagreed to behind your back, should you be guilty of those crimes by association? 

I am not a Christian.  I do not even know if I believe in a great deity or omnipotent force.  The more I learn about Science, the more it is beginning to answer my own internal questions about life, death, and the spirit of all things.  I lived in KS, where I was ridiculed almost constantly for not attending church, wearing a cross, or believing in theirgod.  I wish that someone who was not a Christian could run this country.  I wish that humans, as a whole, could get past this eternal separation of religions.  I wish that we could all say to one another, “I respect your freedom to believe in those things,” but we (humans) are not there yet.  Until then, we need to get past the idea that people can control an individuals actions.

I will continue to support Obama. 

I will continue to hope that he is the next President.  That I will get to see him address this great country for at least the next four years.  I want him to become president, and I believe that by electing him, I am NOT electing his friends, his family, or his Reverand.

Always,

-DellaDrago-

Feel all right, but we’re not well.

Posted in Depression, Dreams, Family, Friends on March 3, 2008 by delladrago

I war with depression. 

Sometimes, on days after weeks of trials, I fight a large battle.  The battles are against the desire to scream, to rage, to strike upon myself or others for the ills that I feel deep inside of myself.  The battle is long and hard, because not only are there the initial triggers that get to me–family, friend, health problems, etc.–but then I attack myself for being so weak as to succumb to the hardship.  I tell myself that I ought to be able to handle “it” without breaking down, without nearly screaming, without sobbing into someones arms, without relying on ANYONE for help but myself.

I feel so alone here.  I have no friends to confide in, no family that really gives a damn, and a boyfriend that I am so afraid of chasing away that I feel the need to contain myself around him–not to show what a basket case I am.  I want to be loved and feel that I belong somewhere, and this is the closest I have come in a long time, just having someone to love again.  I am frightened because I’m beginning to care so much that I’m fearing eventual problems, problems that have not yet appeared on the horizon.

Daily, when I look around, I see the young people my age and ask myself what is wrong with me?  Why can’t I walk up and just say hello?  When someone starts to speak to me, my heart begins to pound, my palms get itchy, sweaty, and I cannot think of anything to say.  What can I say?  Sometimes I feel like walking up to complete strangers and screaming, “I was raped and molested by my stepfather for four years!  My mother hit me when I was a child, and manipulated me horribly!  I was homeless, where I was raped again!  My father is homeless, my sister blames me for it, I live with someone who cannot communicate and I have no friends that don’t want everything from me all the time.  How are you?”

I spent Thursday night, Friday and Saturday with the boyfriend.  On Saturday I met his friends, and I found the social anxiety settling in quite strongly.  They tried to get me to play the PlayStation game, Rock Band, but I did not comply.  It’s really not that I did not want to, I really did, it was just every time I seriously considered saying, “OK, put on this song and I’ll sing,” I could not speak past the pounding in my throat.  I smiled but barely laughed at jokes, and even though they occasionally asked me question, I could only bring about mono-syllable answers, and maybe two or three times a full sentence. 

The evening reminded me of how I’ll be pumped to go into a social atmosphere, and then when I’m there I freeze up.  It also reminded me that I have no social network, no friends that I can just relax and be around, share inside jokes with.  All of my friends were made in public school and I’ve outgrown all of them.  They’re stuck in KS, rotting, while I’m out in CA, trying to make something of my life.  It seems all the people I meet have ingrained social networks.

 The anxiety I feel speaking to someone has to do with being afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, of meeting someone I want to hang out with but they don’t want to be around me, or vice versa (and not being able to be rid of them).  I’m worried that eventually they’ll ask me for something I cannot give, or give something I really do not want to receive.  I desperately want to feel at home, to feel the comfort and affection that the company of like-minded humans often give me, only I’m afraid of the initial blunders.

I feel very comforted when I’m around certain family members; my father, my sister, my aunt and two uncles, the “friends of the family” family.  I felt at home with other people, but they have since left my life.  I have a friend from KS (Allan, previously mentioned) that I was very pumped to move out here, but now I’m second-guessing the idea, simply because I’m realizing that–aside from being friends–we have nothing in common.  He smokes (a lot of different things), is a complete consumer, has not even graduated high school and generally just enjoys playing video games.  I think that aside from video games and comic books, he and I have nothing in common.  We used to smoke together, slack off together, and generally be mischievous together, but times have changed.  I’m trying to further myself by going to school and trying to get my manuscript published, I’m extremely health conscious, I am quite thrifty and I like to stay as busy as possible.

One could even say I “enjoy work” so that it can distract me from the constant anxiety that tries to run around inside my head.

I don’t know (I find myself saying that a lot).  The anxiety I’ve been feeling today, that battle I’ve been fighting, is about the miniature break-down I had in front of the boyfriend last night when he dropped me off.  I wanted desperately to be comforted, held, while I cried, but at the same time I did not want to burden him with my own burdens.  The evening with his friends was enjoyable, but it reminded me of everything I’ve lost or I’ve never had.  It was like the straw that broke the camels back, piled on top of the issues with school, finding a publisher, living with my uncle, dealing with my mother and Allan, and the recent event of my father getting kicked out of his place.  This has all been within the last two weeks and has been quite taxing on my mental ability to cope with stress.  Seeing his friends, witnessing their group dynamic, just… it almost hurt to be around.  I was so intensely jealous of their ability to simply relax in each others company.

I’m just worried that I said too much to the boyfriend last night, that I “need” him for too much, and that this need is going to push him away from me.  I’m trying to be proactive in my approach towards finding friends or just some kind of social network (even on the Internet), simply so I can be less of a burden on the one person that I care very much about right now.  Love, even.  Love enough to not want to push him away.  I am afraid of burdening, of hurting, or of hindering the progress of this love. 

The boyfriend said something yesterday, earlier in the day, that has been bouncing itself around my brain since.  He said, “It is the mark of a good human that you assume that everyone you meet has had as hard or worse a life as you.” 

I don’t do that, I assume that they’ve had a better life, and I almost automatically hate them for it.  I have so many anger issues I have to work through before I can have friends.  I have so many issues I have to work through before I feel like I’m actually functioning with society, and not coexisting with it. 

….

I had another “Pregnancy” dream last night.  This would be the third.  The first was me bursting in on the boyfriend in the middle of one of his classes with a dead rabbit in my hand that had a blue dot on it, screaming, “I’m pregnant!”  He turned and grabbed my hand, and said, “Then we must get married.”  I looked down and I had a wedding dress on, but I was freaking out, and I looked around the room for help.  One of his classmates had some of those large joke sunglasses on, in pink, and said, “You must bear the child, for the child is the one.” And then the boyfriends professor wed us.  The second dream was just something about me being pregnant and needing to keep the child.  Last night the dream was that I was in an abortion clinic and all of the doctors refused to help me get rid of the baby, because they said it was against their ethical code, and that I had to raise the child, even if it meant doing it on my own.  They said that it would teach me an important lesson on how hard life could really be.

The boyfriend has a medical condition that means he is quite likely sterile.  98% of those that have his condition are completely sterile, but 2% are not.  We have been having sex without a condom, and I’m beginning to freak out a little.  I’m still within “Have not missed yet” range, but it’s getting close to “Pregnancy scare” time. 

Very, very close.  As in, if it is not here by this time next week, I’m going to buy a pregnancy test. 

Sometimes when I get very stressed I skip, or I get irregular.  That is quite possible, but I get very worried about the pregnancy thing.  My mother was pregnant with me at seventeen, and even though I’m passed that mark, it’s not by enough for me to be comfortable with having a child.  I’m not in the financial, emotional or educational state to have a child just yet… even though I’d quite possibly be more adept at child-rearing at my current capacity then perhaps 70% of new mothers are.

Obviously I think quite highly of myself.

-Della Drago-

I don’t want you

Posted in Dreams, Family, Uncategorized on February 27, 2008 by delladrago

I have this morning what, to me, amounts to a hangover.  My eyes seem to have a slight pressure, and occasionally when I stand up I get a little disoriented.  I drank an entire bottle of wine last night, watched “Across the Universe”, fell asleep on the couch and woke up in the middle of the night to stumble upstairs into my bed and pray I would not splatter sick across my new comforter.

It seems I fought with everyone yesterday, even though it was only two people.  Allan is coming out here from KS, and my mother is screaming that he owes her $2,000 and he better pay up now.  She threatened to arrest him, which she could not have done, and he threatened to turn her in for illegal business practices.  Both were at each others throats and, even though I promised myself a few weeks ago (and told them) I would not get involved, I got involved.

Let’s just say no work was done yesterday except getting two people that I love to settle the FUCK down.  Allan is still moving out here, probably within the week, meanwhile my mother has decided that she’s made yet anothermortal enemy in her life.  I swear if everyone she’s pissed off in the course of her life were to all gather, it would be a large convention.  I did get an apology from my mother after a lot of the dust settled for snapping at me a few times and accusing me of double-crossing her.  It was not all the apologies that I want from her, but it did feel very good.  Allan argued with me too, but it was more out of the accumulated stress of the day then anything that was said.  I know that he is feeling the strain of finances, and he desperately wants to keep intact the things that mean a lot to him. 

The one issue I have is that Allan wants to drive his car out here, a ’86 Mazda that, as of yet, is not running.  He’s replaced the alternator, motor, plugs, and numerous other little things.  The last thing “they” (His mechanics/brothers) can think of is the starter.  Still, with everything being replaced, I want to remind him that old cars have a remarkable ability to break down despite everything.  He’s going to be half way across Nevada and his transmission will blow.  I’m praying that his car does not work with the starter in it, so he can just hop on a train and get out here.  It would negate a great deal of the anxiety I’m feeling over his driving solo in a P.O.S.

Since the valley I live in is very good about public transit, and everything is in relatively close proximity to everything else, I’ve found no need for a car here.  I ride a bike, I walk and I take the bus.  It works for me, and it helps keep the pounds off.  I know if I have a car it will feel good, it will feel like freedom, but I’m actually going to get one, I’d prefer to wait until after the schooling is done so I have a reason to celebrate, and am not just trying to find reasons to celebrate.  Celebrating, to me, is a road trip.  I love them.  I love driving in a car at night with the windows down, smelling the crispness of the air and the plant life along the road.  It appeals to my nomadic nature.

In the meantime, I’m horribly in love with my bicycle.

Hm.  I had a great many of strange dreams last night.  Most involved adventures, a complex array of piers in and around the ocean, a robot that kept speaking in ‘product placement’ (Ex: “Even if its a used car, it’s still a Honda car”), and a lot of people from KS that I left behind.  My Uncle Derek was standing there at one part, with a clown-smile and a rumpled suit saying, “How would you like to get involved in a business that could gain you a profit of 10-16% in six months?”  It was all very confusing this morning when I woke up with the remnants, but I was quite involved during the adventure itself.  i often have adventure dreams.  They’re quite invigorating.

 Two nights ago I had a dream about the boyfriend.  It was based around our meeting as it happened in real life, starting on the personals, but instead of meeting his parents in a suburban environment, we had to cross the ocean on a ship all the way to Russia.  I found out when we got there that he and his family were the descendant of Anastasia, and that Russia had secretly decided to install the old monarchy without letting the rest of the world know.  In a crummy part of town a warehouse opened and inside was all this royal finery, and his mother dressed in clothing of jewels with a large crown on her head.  She barely regarded either of us and the boyfriend took me around the place, where everyone knew him on site and I felt very awkward.  Half the time he was in a wheelchair, and when he was not he was limping. 

And that was it, it was basically just wandering around Russia with the feeling of, “I thought I was dating just a normal guy–what the hell?”

Today I’m taking my sister to dance, and next weekend we’re going to the Humane Society and going to adopt her a kitten (another aspect of last nights dream).  She’s been wanting a cat/kitten since I can remember, and her mother and Aunt (both take care of her) do not want one in their house.  The kitten will be staying with me and my two cats.  I’m slowly turning into the crazy cat lady, a title which I’ve been wanting to acquire since I can remember.  Crazy cat ladies are the kind of crazy I would prefer to be, if I were to go crazy.

-Della Drago-

Don’t Make It Bad

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2008 by delladrago

First and quite foremost; I never have a plan when writing a blog entry.  The title is usually whatever lyric is currently being sung by one of the many hundreds of artists that I shuffle through on my “massive list” of music.  This can be interesting, because half the time I have no idea what is being played… and wonder how it got there.  It’s almost like having one of those satellite radio stations going on constantly in the background, without DJ’s, but also without any selective genre.  It hops from Classical to Grunge Metal to Punk Cabaret to Celtic Pop, and then some more…

Since I just updated my Internet service, finally, from Dial-up to DSL, and I have a considerable more steam to blow off because of that and many other life issues, I decided to create a brand new blog.  I like blogs, and have left many like scattered carcases and husks behind me.  Mainly because people start reading them, leaving comments, and it becomes more a performance and less what I need.  Since I type faster then I write by hand, this is pretty much my diary.  Only that I publish it on the Internet where anyone can read it, and I tend to address myself to an audience.   

 This is the first time I have used wordpress, though I’ve read blogs published here and admired some of the people.  It amazes me, however, the sheer stupidity of many of those that use up such web space.  I believe in capitalizing and punctuating properly.  Maybe that’s just me.

I’m also going to set myself some rules for this blog: I will not tell anyone my age, my general location (except that I live in Northern California), or much about the particulars of my past or use real names in reference to people in my life.  Therefore everything you may read here will be written with alibi’s, myself included.  Hopefully I will not slip up =).

-DellaDrago-