I don’t want you

I have this morning what, to me, amounts to a hangover.  My eyes seem to have a slight pressure, and occasionally when I stand up I get a little disoriented.  I drank an entire bottle of wine last night, watched “Across the Universe”, fell asleep on the couch and woke up in the middle of the night to stumble upstairs into my bed and pray I would not splatter sick across my new comforter.

It seems I fought with everyone yesterday, even though it was only two people.  Allan is coming out here from KS, and my mother is screaming that he owes her $2,000 and he better pay up now.  She threatened to arrest him, which she could not have done, and he threatened to turn her in for illegal business practices.  Both were at each others throats and, even though I promised myself a few weeks ago (and told them) I would not get involved, I got involved.

Let’s just say no work was done yesterday except getting two people that I love to settle the FUCK down.  Allan is still moving out here, probably within the week, meanwhile my mother has decided that she’s made yet anothermortal enemy in her life.  I swear if everyone she’s pissed off in the course of her life were to all gather, it would be a large convention.  I did get an apology from my mother after a lot of the dust settled for snapping at me a few times and accusing me of double-crossing her.  It was not all the apologies that I want from her, but it did feel very good.  Allan argued with me too, but it was more out of the accumulated stress of the day then anything that was said.  I know that he is feeling the strain of finances, and he desperately wants to keep intact the things that mean a lot to him. 

The one issue I have is that Allan wants to drive his car out here, a ’86 Mazda that, as of yet, is not running.  He’s replaced the alternator, motor, plugs, and numerous other little things.  The last thing “they” (His mechanics/brothers) can think of is the starter.  Still, with everything being replaced, I want to remind him that old cars have a remarkable ability to break down despite everything.  He’s going to be half way across Nevada and his transmission will blow.  I’m praying that his car does not work with the starter in it, so he can just hop on a train and get out here.  It would negate a great deal of the anxiety I’m feeling over his driving solo in a P.O.S.

Since the valley I live in is very good about public transit, and everything is in relatively close proximity to everything else, I’ve found no need for a car here.  I ride a bike, I walk and I take the bus.  It works for me, and it helps keep the pounds off.  I know if I have a car it will feel good, it will feel like freedom, but I’m actually going to get one, I’d prefer to wait until after the schooling is done so I have a reason to celebrate, and am not just trying to find reasons to celebrate.  Celebrating, to me, is a road trip.  I love them.  I love driving in a car at night with the windows down, smelling the crispness of the air and the plant life along the road.  It appeals to my nomadic nature.

In the meantime, I’m horribly in love with my bicycle.

Hm.  I had a great many of strange dreams last night.  Most involved adventures, a complex array of piers in and around the ocean, a robot that kept speaking in ‘product placement’ (Ex: “Even if its a used car, it’s still a Honda car”), and a lot of people from KS that I left behind.  My Uncle Derek was standing there at one part, with a clown-smile and a rumpled suit saying, “How would you like to get involved in a business that could gain you a profit of 10-16% in six months?”  It was all very confusing this morning when I woke up with the remnants, but I was quite involved during the adventure itself.  i often have adventure dreams.  They’re quite invigorating.

 Two nights ago I had a dream about the boyfriend.  It was based around our meeting as it happened in real life, starting on the personals, but instead of meeting his parents in a suburban environment, we had to cross the ocean on a ship all the way to Russia.  I found out when we got there that he and his family were the descendant of Anastasia, and that Russia had secretly decided to install the old monarchy without letting the rest of the world know.  In a crummy part of town a warehouse opened and inside was all this royal finery, and his mother dressed in clothing of jewels with a large crown on her head.  She barely regarded either of us and the boyfriend took me around the place, where everyone knew him on site and I felt very awkward.  Half the time he was in a wheelchair, and when he was not he was limping. 

And that was it, it was basically just wandering around Russia with the feeling of, “I thought I was dating just a normal guy–what the hell?”

Today I’m taking my sister to dance, and next weekend we’re going to the Humane Society and going to adopt her a kitten (another aspect of last nights dream).  She’s been wanting a cat/kitten since I can remember, and her mother and Aunt (both take care of her) do not want one in their house.  The kitten will be staying with me and my two cats.  I’m slowly turning into the crazy cat lady, a title which I’ve been wanting to acquire since I can remember.  Crazy cat ladies are the kind of crazy I would prefer to be, if I were to go crazy.

-Della Drago-


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