Archive for March, 2008

Guilty by Association

Posted in Barrack Obama, Christianity, Democrats, Politics, Presidental Election, Reverend Wright on March 17, 2008 by delladrago

I need to take a moment to talk about the recent issues with Barrack Obama’s association with his pastor, Reverend Wright. 

First, before discussing that issue, I want to explain why I am a supporter of Barrack Obama, and why I voted for him in the primaries and why, all willing, I will vote for him in the presidential election. 

I am young, I am under the age of 23 and will be there for a while.  I am not well versed in politics, but I do know what I stand for as a young American.  As someone who often listens to public radio stations, watches the news, reads the newspapers and engages in debates with peers and elders on the subjects discuss over those mediums.  I like to think of myself as an average or slightly above-average intelligence, especially when compared to others of my age. 

I know that Obama is the only one of the front-running presidential candidates that has properly discussed something very important to me; the countries energy policy.  I personally believe that the future is in nuclear power, because it is cleaner, safer, cheaper and all around better for the environment then the methods currently in use.  Neither Clinton or McCain have addressed the issue of our energy crisis. 

Obama voted against the war in Iraq initially, which is very important to me, but after we went to war he voted in favor of any bill that came his way to support the troops.  We put them out there, and we have to support them, even if we initially disagree with the idea behind it.  Obama seemed to understand that.  I would have a considerably less amount of respect for him if he had voted against the war, and then voted against sending further aide to the troops out of vindictiveness.

Obama believes that we need to get past the issue of race, which as an aspiring Anthropologist I greatly admire.  For one, I know that humans are simply that–humans.  We are no different to one another, there is no such thing as ‘race’, only cultural differences that vary according to regions. 

Yes, Obama is rather inexperienced as far as political candidates go, but he is young, he is fresh, he is full of ideas that could perhaps change and shape this country to further compliment its great past.  I want the best for my country, and I feel that he will help that.  I feel that even though I admire McCain for his war history, for being in that POW camp as long as he was, I believe he is too old, and that he has a set of priorities that do not compliment my own.  I must also admit that I am tired, emotionally (and only that), of seeing an older white man running this country.  On the issue of Hilary, I believe that she will make a lot of promises that she cannot or will not keep when/if she is sworn in as president.  I also have personal trust issues with women, and she does not inspire confidence within me.  I think a lot of her supporters are trying to guilt-trip a lot of us into voting for her, or fear being labeled as a sexist. 

 I got behind Obama what feels like a long time ago, sometime in the fall when I picked up a free newspaper next to the bus stop and was rifling through it.  I read some articles about the usual things, crime in the city and an article for dog owners.  Then I flipped to nearly the middle and there was a photograph of a man I had never seen before; a senator Barrack Obama, striding confidently down a sidewalk in D.C.  I, like many Americans, am attracted to pictures, and so read the attached article out of curiosity (having followed this pattern throughout the rest of the newspaper).  The title of the article said, “Sen. Obama Announces He Will Run for Presidency”.  It was a very simply opening, explaining who he was, and his recent intentions to run as a democratic candidate in the upcoming election. 

As I read on, I came upon a few of Obama’s personal messages.  He was quoted in this article of considering the politics of America to have been run recently like a ‘Three Ring Circus’.  It was all smoke and mirrors to the people of America, where the politicians secretly understood all the tricks.  He said that the policies needed change, needed change desperately, and that he felt he could bring on that change.  He said that he wanted to completely revise the health care system (something I’m huge on, having no health care), the energy policy and foreign agreements. 

For a few months people were talking about Hilary and I was talking about Obama.  Eventually the press caught up with him, and more people were able to speak with me about why we liked him as we did.  Some of my peers like him simply because he is young, and he is African-American, and that seems like a good thing to have right now.  They get behind it, say things like “Peace, Love and Obama.” 

Anyway….

This new happening with Reverend Wright.  I am afraid of it so negatively affecting B. Obama that he will not be nominated for the Democratic party.  

Reverend Wright seems to be a monumental prick.  A part of my mind is wondering if someone tried to pay him off to say those things in order to ruin Barack Obama’s reputation (but that’s only my conspiracy theories talking).  A larger, whole part of me is shaking my head, wondering, “Why the hell is everyone making such a fuss?”

I can think of several comparisons within my own life where I have cringed to find the true nature of the people that I interact with.  I knew a friend of mine for eight years before realizing, quite suddenly, that he was a complete racist.  He believed that Hispanics, especially, were the demise of all Western civilization and that they should just be shot on sight.  His words, not mine.

 I was so horrified, I stopped talking to him for a long time.  Eventually we got to talking again and I explained to him that conversations such as the one we had had about Hispanics were liable to put me into a frenzy, because I believed that he was being a plain idiot.  We managed to come to a gentleman’s agreement, and managed to continue our friendship. 

I also know that a great deal of my favorite teachers have had unfavorable personal lives.  One of them belonged to a skin head movement in KS.  Another was found to be a child molester. 

Saying that Obama supports or believes in the audacity that spilled out of Reverend Wright’s mouth is like saying I am a pedophile or a Nazi for having admired teachers that only taught me their specialized subjects.  Obama went to Reverend Wright for spiritual guidance, not for political council.  Not only that, but Obama is in NO WAY responsible for the thoughts, actions or words of another human being with the power of free speech and thought.

Obama has never once, in all of his campaign across our great country, said or done anything that would ring close to what Reverend Wright spouted the other day.  He obviously believes that this is a wonderful country, and is proving it by standing fast in the face of diversity in the light of these events.  He wants to be all that he can be to serve his country. 

The Reverend Wright has shown himself to be a citizen of the United States of America.  A citizen that can burn a flag, march in protest, blame the United States for attacks against itself, and persuade a crowd of people to the same tune.  I am not defending him, not at all.  I do not agree with, in fact I abhor, the things that he said.  How are we, as human beings as well as Americans, going to get past the hatred and segregation of so many decades ago with attitudes such as R. Wright’s influencing so many hundreds or thousands of individuals? 

I’m going to say this plainly:

Obama is innocent of believing in those ideas that R. Wright was preaching.  He did not go to R. Wright for political counseling, he went to him for spiritual reasons.  Barrack Obama is, quite simply, only guilty by association. 

If people you knew were committing horrible crimes, or living a life that you disagreed to behind your back, should you be guilty of those crimes by association? 

I am not a Christian.  I do not even know if I believe in a great deity or omnipotent force.  The more I learn about Science, the more it is beginning to answer my own internal questions about life, death, and the spirit of all things.  I lived in KS, where I was ridiculed almost constantly for not attending church, wearing a cross, or believing in theirgod.  I wish that someone who was not a Christian could run this country.  I wish that humans, as a whole, could get past this eternal separation of religions.  I wish that we could all say to one another, “I respect your freedom to believe in those things,” but we (humans) are not there yet.  Until then, we need to get past the idea that people can control an individuals actions.

I will continue to support Obama. 

I will continue to hope that he is the next President.  That I will get to see him address this great country for at least the next four years.  I want him to become president, and I believe that by electing him, I am NOT electing his friends, his family, or his Reverand.

Always,

-DellaDrago-

Feel all right, but we’re not well.

Posted in Depression, Dreams, Family, Friends on March 3, 2008 by delladrago

I war with depression. 

Sometimes, on days after weeks of trials, I fight a large battle.  The battles are against the desire to scream, to rage, to strike upon myself or others for the ills that I feel deep inside of myself.  The battle is long and hard, because not only are there the initial triggers that get to me–family, friend, health problems, etc.–but then I attack myself for being so weak as to succumb to the hardship.  I tell myself that I ought to be able to handle “it” without breaking down, without nearly screaming, without sobbing into someones arms, without relying on ANYONE for help but myself.

I feel so alone here.  I have no friends to confide in, no family that really gives a damn, and a boyfriend that I am so afraid of chasing away that I feel the need to contain myself around him–not to show what a basket case I am.  I want to be loved and feel that I belong somewhere, and this is the closest I have come in a long time, just having someone to love again.  I am frightened because I’m beginning to care so much that I’m fearing eventual problems, problems that have not yet appeared on the horizon.

Daily, when I look around, I see the young people my age and ask myself what is wrong with me?  Why can’t I walk up and just say hello?  When someone starts to speak to me, my heart begins to pound, my palms get itchy, sweaty, and I cannot think of anything to say.  What can I say?  Sometimes I feel like walking up to complete strangers and screaming, “I was raped and molested by my stepfather for four years!  My mother hit me when I was a child, and manipulated me horribly!  I was homeless, where I was raped again!  My father is homeless, my sister blames me for it, I live with someone who cannot communicate and I have no friends that don’t want everything from me all the time.  How are you?”

I spent Thursday night, Friday and Saturday with the boyfriend.  On Saturday I met his friends, and I found the social anxiety settling in quite strongly.  They tried to get me to play the PlayStation game, Rock Band, but I did not comply.  It’s really not that I did not want to, I really did, it was just every time I seriously considered saying, “OK, put on this song and I’ll sing,” I could not speak past the pounding in my throat.  I smiled but barely laughed at jokes, and even though they occasionally asked me question, I could only bring about mono-syllable answers, and maybe two or three times a full sentence. 

The evening reminded me of how I’ll be pumped to go into a social atmosphere, and then when I’m there I freeze up.  It also reminded me that I have no social network, no friends that I can just relax and be around, share inside jokes with.  All of my friends were made in public school and I’ve outgrown all of them.  They’re stuck in KS, rotting, while I’m out in CA, trying to make something of my life.  It seems all the people I meet have ingrained social networks.

 The anxiety I feel speaking to someone has to do with being afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, of meeting someone I want to hang out with but they don’t want to be around me, or vice versa (and not being able to be rid of them).  I’m worried that eventually they’ll ask me for something I cannot give, or give something I really do not want to receive.  I desperately want to feel at home, to feel the comfort and affection that the company of like-minded humans often give me, only I’m afraid of the initial blunders.

I feel very comforted when I’m around certain family members; my father, my sister, my aunt and two uncles, the “friends of the family” family.  I felt at home with other people, but they have since left my life.  I have a friend from KS (Allan, previously mentioned) that I was very pumped to move out here, but now I’m second-guessing the idea, simply because I’m realizing that–aside from being friends–we have nothing in common.  He smokes (a lot of different things), is a complete consumer, has not even graduated high school and generally just enjoys playing video games.  I think that aside from video games and comic books, he and I have nothing in common.  We used to smoke together, slack off together, and generally be mischievous together, but times have changed.  I’m trying to further myself by going to school and trying to get my manuscript published, I’m extremely health conscious, I am quite thrifty and I like to stay as busy as possible.

One could even say I “enjoy work” so that it can distract me from the constant anxiety that tries to run around inside my head.

I don’t know (I find myself saying that a lot).  The anxiety I’ve been feeling today, that battle I’ve been fighting, is about the miniature break-down I had in front of the boyfriend last night when he dropped me off.  I wanted desperately to be comforted, held, while I cried, but at the same time I did not want to burden him with my own burdens.  The evening with his friends was enjoyable, but it reminded me of everything I’ve lost or I’ve never had.  It was like the straw that broke the camels back, piled on top of the issues with school, finding a publisher, living with my uncle, dealing with my mother and Allan, and the recent event of my father getting kicked out of his place.  This has all been within the last two weeks and has been quite taxing on my mental ability to cope with stress.  Seeing his friends, witnessing their group dynamic, just… it almost hurt to be around.  I was so intensely jealous of their ability to simply relax in each others company.

I’m just worried that I said too much to the boyfriend last night, that I “need” him for too much, and that this need is going to push him away from me.  I’m trying to be proactive in my approach towards finding friends or just some kind of social network (even on the Internet), simply so I can be less of a burden on the one person that I care very much about right now.  Love, even.  Love enough to not want to push him away.  I am afraid of burdening, of hurting, or of hindering the progress of this love. 

The boyfriend said something yesterday, earlier in the day, that has been bouncing itself around my brain since.  He said, “It is the mark of a good human that you assume that everyone you meet has had as hard or worse a life as you.” 

I don’t do that, I assume that they’ve had a better life, and I almost automatically hate them for it.  I have so many anger issues I have to work through before I can have friends.  I have so many issues I have to work through before I feel like I’m actually functioning with society, and not coexisting with it. 

….

I had another “Pregnancy” dream last night.  This would be the third.  The first was me bursting in on the boyfriend in the middle of one of his classes with a dead rabbit in my hand that had a blue dot on it, screaming, “I’m pregnant!”  He turned and grabbed my hand, and said, “Then we must get married.”  I looked down and I had a wedding dress on, but I was freaking out, and I looked around the room for help.  One of his classmates had some of those large joke sunglasses on, in pink, and said, “You must bear the child, for the child is the one.” And then the boyfriends professor wed us.  The second dream was just something about me being pregnant and needing to keep the child.  Last night the dream was that I was in an abortion clinic and all of the doctors refused to help me get rid of the baby, because they said it was against their ethical code, and that I had to raise the child, even if it meant doing it on my own.  They said that it would teach me an important lesson on how hard life could really be.

The boyfriend has a medical condition that means he is quite likely sterile.  98% of those that have his condition are completely sterile, but 2% are not.  We have been having sex without a condom, and I’m beginning to freak out a little.  I’m still within “Have not missed yet” range, but it’s getting close to “Pregnancy scare” time. 

Very, very close.  As in, if it is not here by this time next week, I’m going to buy a pregnancy test. 

Sometimes when I get very stressed I skip, or I get irregular.  That is quite possible, but I get very worried about the pregnancy thing.  My mother was pregnant with me at seventeen, and even though I’m passed that mark, it’s not by enough for me to be comfortable with having a child.  I’m not in the financial, emotional or educational state to have a child just yet… even though I’d quite possibly be more adept at child-rearing at my current capacity then perhaps 70% of new mothers are.

Obviously I think quite highly of myself.

-Della Drago-