Archive for the Family Category

Feel all right, but we’re not well.

Posted in Depression, Dreams, Family, Friends on March 3, 2008 by delladrago

I war with depression. 

Sometimes, on days after weeks of trials, I fight a large battle.  The battles are against the desire to scream, to rage, to strike upon myself or others for the ills that I feel deep inside of myself.  The battle is long and hard, because not only are there the initial triggers that get to me–family, friend, health problems, etc.–but then I attack myself for being so weak as to succumb to the hardship.  I tell myself that I ought to be able to handle “it” without breaking down, without nearly screaming, without sobbing into someones arms, without relying on ANYONE for help but myself.

I feel so alone here.  I have no friends to confide in, no family that really gives a damn, and a boyfriend that I am so afraid of chasing away that I feel the need to contain myself around him–not to show what a basket case I am.  I want to be loved and feel that I belong somewhere, and this is the closest I have come in a long time, just having someone to love again.  I am frightened because I’m beginning to care so much that I’m fearing eventual problems, problems that have not yet appeared on the horizon.

Daily, when I look around, I see the young people my age and ask myself what is wrong with me?  Why can’t I walk up and just say hello?  When someone starts to speak to me, my heart begins to pound, my palms get itchy, sweaty, and I cannot think of anything to say.  What can I say?  Sometimes I feel like walking up to complete strangers and screaming, “I was raped and molested by my stepfather for four years!  My mother hit me when I was a child, and manipulated me horribly!  I was homeless, where I was raped again!  My father is homeless, my sister blames me for it, I live with someone who cannot communicate and I have no friends that don’t want everything from me all the time.  How are you?”

I spent Thursday night, Friday and Saturday with the boyfriend.  On Saturday I met his friends, and I found the social anxiety settling in quite strongly.  They tried to get me to play the PlayStation game, Rock Band, but I did not comply.  It’s really not that I did not want to, I really did, it was just every time I seriously considered saying, “OK, put on this song and I’ll sing,” I could not speak past the pounding in my throat.  I smiled but barely laughed at jokes, and even though they occasionally asked me question, I could only bring about mono-syllable answers, and maybe two or three times a full sentence. 

The evening reminded me of how I’ll be pumped to go into a social atmosphere, and then when I’m there I freeze up.  It also reminded me that I have no social network, no friends that I can just relax and be around, share inside jokes with.  All of my friends were made in public school and I’ve outgrown all of them.  They’re stuck in KS, rotting, while I’m out in CA, trying to make something of my life.  It seems all the people I meet have ingrained social networks.

 The anxiety I feel speaking to someone has to do with being afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, of meeting someone I want to hang out with but they don’t want to be around me, or vice versa (and not being able to be rid of them).  I’m worried that eventually they’ll ask me for something I cannot give, or give something I really do not want to receive.  I desperately want to feel at home, to feel the comfort and affection that the company of like-minded humans often give me, only I’m afraid of the initial blunders.

I feel very comforted when I’m around certain family members; my father, my sister, my aunt and two uncles, the “friends of the family” family.  I felt at home with other people, but they have since left my life.  I have a friend from KS (Allan, previously mentioned) that I was very pumped to move out here, but now I’m second-guessing the idea, simply because I’m realizing that–aside from being friends–we have nothing in common.  He smokes (a lot of different things), is a complete consumer, has not even graduated high school and generally just enjoys playing video games.  I think that aside from video games and comic books, he and I have nothing in common.  We used to smoke together, slack off together, and generally be mischievous together, but times have changed.  I’m trying to further myself by going to school and trying to get my manuscript published, I’m extremely health conscious, I am quite thrifty and I like to stay as busy as possible.

One could even say I “enjoy work” so that it can distract me from the constant anxiety that tries to run around inside my head.

I don’t know (I find myself saying that a lot).  The anxiety I’ve been feeling today, that battle I’ve been fighting, is about the miniature break-down I had in front of the boyfriend last night when he dropped me off.  I wanted desperately to be comforted, held, while I cried, but at the same time I did not want to burden him with my own burdens.  The evening with his friends was enjoyable, but it reminded me of everything I’ve lost or I’ve never had.  It was like the straw that broke the camels back, piled on top of the issues with school, finding a publisher, living with my uncle, dealing with my mother and Allan, and the recent event of my father getting kicked out of his place.  This has all been within the last two weeks and has been quite taxing on my mental ability to cope with stress.  Seeing his friends, witnessing their group dynamic, just… it almost hurt to be around.  I was so intensely jealous of their ability to simply relax in each others company.

I’m just worried that I said too much to the boyfriend last night, that I “need” him for too much, and that this need is going to push him away from me.  I’m trying to be proactive in my approach towards finding friends or just some kind of social network (even on the Internet), simply so I can be less of a burden on the one person that I care very much about right now.  Love, even.  Love enough to not want to push him away.  I am afraid of burdening, of hurting, or of hindering the progress of this love. 

The boyfriend said something yesterday, earlier in the day, that has been bouncing itself around my brain since.  He said, “It is the mark of a good human that you assume that everyone you meet has had as hard or worse a life as you.” 

I don’t do that, I assume that they’ve had a better life, and I almost automatically hate them for it.  I have so many anger issues I have to work through before I can have friends.  I have so many issues I have to work through before I feel like I’m actually functioning with society, and not coexisting with it. 

….

I had another “Pregnancy” dream last night.  This would be the third.  The first was me bursting in on the boyfriend in the middle of one of his classes with a dead rabbit in my hand that had a blue dot on it, screaming, “I’m pregnant!”  He turned and grabbed my hand, and said, “Then we must get married.”  I looked down and I had a wedding dress on, but I was freaking out, and I looked around the room for help.  One of his classmates had some of those large joke sunglasses on, in pink, and said, “You must bear the child, for the child is the one.” And then the boyfriends professor wed us.  The second dream was just something about me being pregnant and needing to keep the child.  Last night the dream was that I was in an abortion clinic and all of the doctors refused to help me get rid of the baby, because they said it was against their ethical code, and that I had to raise the child, even if it meant doing it on my own.  They said that it would teach me an important lesson on how hard life could really be.

The boyfriend has a medical condition that means he is quite likely sterile.  98% of those that have his condition are completely sterile, but 2% are not.  We have been having sex without a condom, and I’m beginning to freak out a little.  I’m still within “Have not missed yet” range, but it’s getting close to “Pregnancy scare” time. 

Very, very close.  As in, if it is not here by this time next week, I’m going to buy a pregnancy test. 

Sometimes when I get very stressed I skip, or I get irregular.  That is quite possible, but I get very worried about the pregnancy thing.  My mother was pregnant with me at seventeen, and even though I’m passed that mark, it’s not by enough for me to be comfortable with having a child.  I’m not in the financial, emotional or educational state to have a child just yet… even though I’d quite possibly be more adept at child-rearing at my current capacity then perhaps 70% of new mothers are.

Obviously I think quite highly of myself.

-Della Drago-

I don’t want you

Posted in Dreams, Family, Uncategorized on February 27, 2008 by delladrago

I have this morning what, to me, amounts to a hangover.  My eyes seem to have a slight pressure, and occasionally when I stand up I get a little disoriented.  I drank an entire bottle of wine last night, watched “Across the Universe”, fell asleep on the couch and woke up in the middle of the night to stumble upstairs into my bed and pray I would not splatter sick across my new comforter.

It seems I fought with everyone yesterday, even though it was only two people.  Allan is coming out here from KS, and my mother is screaming that he owes her $2,000 and he better pay up now.  She threatened to arrest him, which she could not have done, and he threatened to turn her in for illegal business practices.  Both were at each others throats and, even though I promised myself a few weeks ago (and told them) I would not get involved, I got involved.

Let’s just say no work was done yesterday except getting two people that I love to settle the FUCK down.  Allan is still moving out here, probably within the week, meanwhile my mother has decided that she’s made yet anothermortal enemy in her life.  I swear if everyone she’s pissed off in the course of her life were to all gather, it would be a large convention.  I did get an apology from my mother after a lot of the dust settled for snapping at me a few times and accusing me of double-crossing her.  It was not all the apologies that I want from her, but it did feel very good.  Allan argued with me too, but it was more out of the accumulated stress of the day then anything that was said.  I know that he is feeling the strain of finances, and he desperately wants to keep intact the things that mean a lot to him. 

The one issue I have is that Allan wants to drive his car out here, a ’86 Mazda that, as of yet, is not running.  He’s replaced the alternator, motor, plugs, and numerous other little things.  The last thing “they” (His mechanics/brothers) can think of is the starter.  Still, with everything being replaced, I want to remind him that old cars have a remarkable ability to break down despite everything.  He’s going to be half way across Nevada and his transmission will blow.  I’m praying that his car does not work with the starter in it, so he can just hop on a train and get out here.  It would negate a great deal of the anxiety I’m feeling over his driving solo in a P.O.S.

Since the valley I live in is very good about public transit, and everything is in relatively close proximity to everything else, I’ve found no need for a car here.  I ride a bike, I walk and I take the bus.  It works for me, and it helps keep the pounds off.  I know if I have a car it will feel good, it will feel like freedom, but I’m actually going to get one, I’d prefer to wait until after the schooling is done so I have a reason to celebrate, and am not just trying to find reasons to celebrate.  Celebrating, to me, is a road trip.  I love them.  I love driving in a car at night with the windows down, smelling the crispness of the air and the plant life along the road.  It appeals to my nomadic nature.

In the meantime, I’m horribly in love with my bicycle.

Hm.  I had a great many of strange dreams last night.  Most involved adventures, a complex array of piers in and around the ocean, a robot that kept speaking in ‘product placement’ (Ex: “Even if its a used car, it’s still a Honda car”), and a lot of people from KS that I left behind.  My Uncle Derek was standing there at one part, with a clown-smile and a rumpled suit saying, “How would you like to get involved in a business that could gain you a profit of 10-16% in six months?”  It was all very confusing this morning when I woke up with the remnants, but I was quite involved during the adventure itself.  i often have adventure dreams.  They’re quite invigorating.

 Two nights ago I had a dream about the boyfriend.  It was based around our meeting as it happened in real life, starting on the personals, but instead of meeting his parents in a suburban environment, we had to cross the ocean on a ship all the way to Russia.  I found out when we got there that he and his family were the descendant of Anastasia, and that Russia had secretly decided to install the old monarchy without letting the rest of the world know.  In a crummy part of town a warehouse opened and inside was all this royal finery, and his mother dressed in clothing of jewels with a large crown on her head.  She barely regarded either of us and the boyfriend took me around the place, where everyone knew him on site and I felt very awkward.  Half the time he was in a wheelchair, and when he was not he was limping. 

And that was it, it was basically just wandering around Russia with the feeling of, “I thought I was dating just a normal guy–what the hell?”

Today I’m taking my sister to dance, and next weekend we’re going to the Humane Society and going to adopt her a kitten (another aspect of last nights dream).  She’s been wanting a cat/kitten since I can remember, and her mother and Aunt (both take care of her) do not want one in their house.  The kitten will be staying with me and my two cats.  I’m slowly turning into the crazy cat lady, a title which I’ve been wanting to acquire since I can remember.  Crazy cat ladies are the kind of crazy I would prefer to be, if I were to go crazy.

-Della Drago-