Archive for the Friends Category

Testing Our Communication

Posted in Friends on May 10, 2008 by delladrago

So it hasn’t been as long this time as the last time, but still a stint longer then I would have preferred.

I have been fairly busy recently, finals are coming up around the corner and I did my thing yet again.  My thing being a habitual pattern where I complete homework and study on time for the first month and a half of the semester, then I say, “Hell, I’m smart enough” and go off gaming and hanging out with friends until finals come around and then I’m like… oh shit.

I have a 8-10 page paper to complete in Archaeology in nine days that I’ve barely touched, as well as two finals to study for.  I’m being a little silly right now by still getting wrapped up in my on-line MMO’s and going out with friends on the weekends, which is prime studying time as I don’t have work and school tying up the schedule.  Sometimes I want to kick myself repeatedly for being such an idjit.

So that last entry was resolved, I figured it all out.  Ranting about it on the void of the Internet was helpful.  I talked to the boyfriend about it and he said that he could not honestly say he understood, but that he was sympathetic.  Unlike a lot of other women that I can think of that say they want an honest relationship but really only want their boyfriends to say what they want them to say–I actually do appreciate honesty, even if it’s something I don’t like to hear at the time.

Other then that little snag, that bad day, the “experiment” went quite well.  We’ve both come to accepting that eventually we’re going to move in together, because it seems to be something both of us really want.  We really like each other and though we know we’ll drive each other a little crazy sometimes, we think that we can make this work. 

We went to see a play last night, “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”.  I did not realize it had been a movie as well until I told Uncle D. and the mama about it, and they have both seen the film.  I really enjoyed the play, and going to theater events with the boyfriend has been very cool.  I’ve never been on actual dates with other boyfriends, mainly we’ve hung out around the house and just had sex or played video games or something to that effect.  This boyfriend and I still do things like that, but we both feel the need to get out there and do something from time to time.

Here’s an interesting thing that has been happening to me recently… a two inch by one inch patch on my right wrist has gone completely numb.  It’s right where the wrist connects to the hand, and I think it’s from being on the computer for such long periods of time without a wrist support for the mouse, though I have a support for the keyboard.  I don’t use the keyboard as much as the mouse, however, when it comes to MMO’s.

Another thing that I meant to come on here and rant about the other day was the behavior of, pretty much, my only friend–Jay.  Jay has been bitching to me for the last four months about two of his friends, Allison and Roger.  Apparently Jay had a thing for Allison and she told him that she was not ready for a relationship at the moment, and then a month later was dating Roger.  Allison then told Jay that she did not think they would have worked out because he was too much like her last boyfriend, and that it was OK, she and Roger had gotten together mostly for sex anyway.

Now, I’ll say one thing about Jay, and that is that he is a busy-body, he likes to be in everbody’s business and to get the reason, no matter how much it will hurt him or his other friends.  He used to be in the military before he was honorably discharged for multiple medical reasons (none of them psychological I assure you).  He likes everything in a neat little order, he likes to have his rules and everything in his life to stick to those rules.  In twenty three years he has not yet realized that human beings cannot generally be fit into these rules, that we are thinking, feeling, impulsive, passionate things that generally find rules disgusting at the least, or at least something to be avoided.

In short, he thinks that the relationship between Allison and Roger needs to be structured, needs to have rules, like everything else.  He has been trying, for four months, to hold both of them accountable for rules that only he sees and wants.  Both of them have become increasingly more agitated with him and because everyone is kind of miserable no one is enjoying each others company.

Well, I went with Jay last Sunday to a LARP that he has been playing for about four years, along with many of his friends.  It really is a nice social event… in which you get to dress up and beat people up with padded sticks and swords.  If anyone is into the Ren Fest, a LARP is about just as fun, with fantasy heavily intermingled and it happens almost every weekend, which is a plus.  The one that Jay and I went to is free for NPC’s, but if you play a PC you have to pay a fee for day or weekend events.  The one that we went to was a day event.

Anyway, there I met his friends for the third time in about two years of knowing Jay.  I was very relaxed and happy, shooting the shit with them and everything, and I realized that none of them were as hung up on the Roger-Allison thing as Jay was.  I guess that I had always figured that his other friends were just as hung up on the issue as he was, but when I realized that they too thought that Jay was being an overbearing asshole, I kind of snapped.

Jay threw a fit near the end of the event.  He’s recovering from pneumonia and everyone was trying to make sure that he took it easy, but when he was told again to go sit down (he was having a coughing fit), he threw a temper tantrum and ended up making himself feel worse then before.  When he finally sat down, after much persuading, I went to him and started asking what the hell was wrong.  When he started spouting off the same bullshit about Allison and Robert as he has for the last three months, I got a little fed up and decided to call over Allison and make the two talk instead of both of them hearing third-party information that was making a simple situation overly dramatic.

Allison opened up, according to Jay, in a way that she had not since getting together with Jay.  She said that she was very comfortable having a third party there, especially a female, and that she was angry with Jay for making assumptions, for trying to push her and Roger into HIS ideal kind of a relationship, and generally for being a bastard.  She was quite passionate, and he was being a bit of a coward by saying he was already worked up and emotional so he was not responsible for what he said… which is bullshit.

So, yeah, I said that Jay was a busy body, did I mention that I am also?  I like to help where I see that there is the opportunity for it, that there may be something fixable.  Most of all I was annoyed with Jay because, to me, this was an easy and fixable situation that needn’t have been so dramatic.  He’s a little on the immature side but, as he is still my friend, I’m trying to help him through a lot of this stuff.

Oi, and that’s all for now.  Thanks for being there, Oh Internet Void.

-Della Drago-

Feel all right, but we’re not well.

Posted in Depression, Dreams, Family, Friends on March 3, 2008 by delladrago

I war with depression. 

Sometimes, on days after weeks of trials, I fight a large battle.  The battles are against the desire to scream, to rage, to strike upon myself or others for the ills that I feel deep inside of myself.  The battle is long and hard, because not only are there the initial triggers that get to me–family, friend, health problems, etc.–but then I attack myself for being so weak as to succumb to the hardship.  I tell myself that I ought to be able to handle “it” without breaking down, without nearly screaming, without sobbing into someones arms, without relying on ANYONE for help but myself.

I feel so alone here.  I have no friends to confide in, no family that really gives a damn, and a boyfriend that I am so afraid of chasing away that I feel the need to contain myself around him–not to show what a basket case I am.  I want to be loved and feel that I belong somewhere, and this is the closest I have come in a long time, just having someone to love again.  I am frightened because I’m beginning to care so much that I’m fearing eventual problems, problems that have not yet appeared on the horizon.

Daily, when I look around, I see the young people my age and ask myself what is wrong with me?  Why can’t I walk up and just say hello?  When someone starts to speak to me, my heart begins to pound, my palms get itchy, sweaty, and I cannot think of anything to say.  What can I say?  Sometimes I feel like walking up to complete strangers and screaming, “I was raped and molested by my stepfather for four years!  My mother hit me when I was a child, and manipulated me horribly!  I was homeless, where I was raped again!  My father is homeless, my sister blames me for it, I live with someone who cannot communicate and I have no friends that don’t want everything from me all the time.  How are you?”

I spent Thursday night, Friday and Saturday with the boyfriend.  On Saturday I met his friends, and I found the social anxiety settling in quite strongly.  They tried to get me to play the PlayStation game, Rock Band, but I did not comply.  It’s really not that I did not want to, I really did, it was just every time I seriously considered saying, “OK, put on this song and I’ll sing,” I could not speak past the pounding in my throat.  I smiled but barely laughed at jokes, and even though they occasionally asked me question, I could only bring about mono-syllable answers, and maybe two or three times a full sentence. 

The evening reminded me of how I’ll be pumped to go into a social atmosphere, and then when I’m there I freeze up.  It also reminded me that I have no social network, no friends that I can just relax and be around, share inside jokes with.  All of my friends were made in public school and I’ve outgrown all of them.  They’re stuck in KS, rotting, while I’m out in CA, trying to make something of my life.  It seems all the people I meet have ingrained social networks.

 The anxiety I feel speaking to someone has to do with being afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, of meeting someone I want to hang out with but they don’t want to be around me, or vice versa (and not being able to be rid of them).  I’m worried that eventually they’ll ask me for something I cannot give, or give something I really do not want to receive.  I desperately want to feel at home, to feel the comfort and affection that the company of like-minded humans often give me, only I’m afraid of the initial blunders.

I feel very comforted when I’m around certain family members; my father, my sister, my aunt and two uncles, the “friends of the family” family.  I felt at home with other people, but they have since left my life.  I have a friend from KS (Allan, previously mentioned) that I was very pumped to move out here, but now I’m second-guessing the idea, simply because I’m realizing that–aside from being friends–we have nothing in common.  He smokes (a lot of different things), is a complete consumer, has not even graduated high school and generally just enjoys playing video games.  I think that aside from video games and comic books, he and I have nothing in common.  We used to smoke together, slack off together, and generally be mischievous together, but times have changed.  I’m trying to further myself by going to school and trying to get my manuscript published, I’m extremely health conscious, I am quite thrifty and I like to stay as busy as possible.

One could even say I “enjoy work” so that it can distract me from the constant anxiety that tries to run around inside my head.

I don’t know (I find myself saying that a lot).  The anxiety I’ve been feeling today, that battle I’ve been fighting, is about the miniature break-down I had in front of the boyfriend last night when he dropped me off.  I wanted desperately to be comforted, held, while I cried, but at the same time I did not want to burden him with my own burdens.  The evening with his friends was enjoyable, but it reminded me of everything I’ve lost or I’ve never had.  It was like the straw that broke the camels back, piled on top of the issues with school, finding a publisher, living with my uncle, dealing with my mother and Allan, and the recent event of my father getting kicked out of his place.  This has all been within the last two weeks and has been quite taxing on my mental ability to cope with stress.  Seeing his friends, witnessing their group dynamic, just… it almost hurt to be around.  I was so intensely jealous of their ability to simply relax in each others company.

I’m just worried that I said too much to the boyfriend last night, that I “need” him for too much, and that this need is going to push him away from me.  I’m trying to be proactive in my approach towards finding friends or just some kind of social network (even on the Internet), simply so I can be less of a burden on the one person that I care very much about right now.  Love, even.  Love enough to not want to push him away.  I am afraid of burdening, of hurting, or of hindering the progress of this love. 

The boyfriend said something yesterday, earlier in the day, that has been bouncing itself around my brain since.  He said, “It is the mark of a good human that you assume that everyone you meet has had as hard or worse a life as you.” 

I don’t do that, I assume that they’ve had a better life, and I almost automatically hate them for it.  I have so many anger issues I have to work through before I can have friends.  I have so many issues I have to work through before I feel like I’m actually functioning with society, and not coexisting with it. 

….

I had another “Pregnancy” dream last night.  This would be the third.  The first was me bursting in on the boyfriend in the middle of one of his classes with a dead rabbit in my hand that had a blue dot on it, screaming, “I’m pregnant!”  He turned and grabbed my hand, and said, “Then we must get married.”  I looked down and I had a wedding dress on, but I was freaking out, and I looked around the room for help.  One of his classmates had some of those large joke sunglasses on, in pink, and said, “You must bear the child, for the child is the one.” And then the boyfriends professor wed us.  The second dream was just something about me being pregnant and needing to keep the child.  Last night the dream was that I was in an abortion clinic and all of the doctors refused to help me get rid of the baby, because they said it was against their ethical code, and that I had to raise the child, even if it meant doing it on my own.  They said that it would teach me an important lesson on how hard life could really be.

The boyfriend has a medical condition that means he is quite likely sterile.  98% of those that have his condition are completely sterile, but 2% are not.  We have been having sex without a condom, and I’m beginning to freak out a little.  I’m still within “Have not missed yet” range, but it’s getting close to “Pregnancy scare” time. 

Very, very close.  As in, if it is not here by this time next week, I’m going to buy a pregnancy test. 

Sometimes when I get very stressed I skip, or I get irregular.  That is quite possible, but I get very worried about the pregnancy thing.  My mother was pregnant with me at seventeen, and even though I’m passed that mark, it’s not by enough for me to be comfortable with having a child.  I’m not in the financial, emotional or educational state to have a child just yet… even though I’d quite possibly be more adept at child-rearing at my current capacity then perhaps 70% of new mothers are.

Obviously I think quite highly of myself.

-Della Drago-